What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
