I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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