I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
