I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She even gives head with a lisp.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
