He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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