so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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