"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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