im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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