Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
