new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize