today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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