So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
