it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
