quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
