Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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