So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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