Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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