somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
