Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
