Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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