we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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