then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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