Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
