I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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