for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
