When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
