he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
