how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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