I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
