it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
