I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am one with the molecules
My ass is underappreciated
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
