I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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