Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
