Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I puked a lego.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
