Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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