textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Terrible idea I love it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
