Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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