I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
