Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
