I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
