I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
