Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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