so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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