So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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