I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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