I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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