I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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