I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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