Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
