all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
