i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
