I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
