Just fell off a train. Bad.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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