I am puke
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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