her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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