My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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