Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
sarcasm needs its own font
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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