you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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