How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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