Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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