A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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